The Shame Behind ADHD and Chronic Lateness
Posted on September, 24, 2025 by Susan Schaefer, M.Ed., M.A.T, Founder & CEO“You’re always late!” I am a grown woman, yet the shame washes over me like it has countless times since I was a little girl. My Pilates class is set to begin at 9:15. It is 9:16. I say this out loud. Class hasn’t started yet, but it is mostly full. Another woman walks in behind me, yet the woman who needlessly called me out did not bestow this honor upon that woman or the one who comes in after her. I look down at my friend, who is sitting on her mat next to mine, and she scratches her nose with her middle finger in solidarity. I feel a little better, but it doesn’t stop me from replaying in my mind all day.
As class goes on, I shift from thinking about myself to thinking about my high school students who have executive function challenges as well. The ones who don’t get to play in a big hockey game because in the rush to get out of the door in the morning, they forgot their stick, even though they left it sitting by the door to remind them. Or my college students who rush to get to class on time but don’t go in because they are 5 minutes late and think everyone will look disapprovingly at them if they open the door. Sadly, they are probably right.
So many people judge, so smug in their beliefs that lateness is a character flaw, that being on time is simple, just get up 15 minutes earlier! They think it’s so rude to make people wait who had the decency to be there on time for them, that this executive function stuff is just an excuse. So, repeat lateness offenders are chastised, or worse, made fun of at meetings with their colleagues, at family functions, or in front of the whole class, usually followed by “just kidding!” so they are forced to smile sheepishly like they are in on the joke instead of the butt of it. It doesn’t matter how old you are or, really, who you are; it’s horrifying.
The truth is, no matter what anyone says to you or about you, it doesn’t compare to the shame and disappointment we have in ourselves. Those who think their teasing is harmless have no idea about the anxiety we experience obsessing about being late, only to self-fulfill the prophecy, like choking during the big game or not being able to remember a single thing they studied during the final exam. Sometimes I feel like my life is a series of driving somewhere to meet someone, my heart racing and making deals with God to give me all green lights so I won’t be late.
The real question is, what actually causes lateness in people with executive function challenges? Is it a lack of discipline? Poor time management skills? Laziness? Trouble transitioning? Well, for such a simple-sounding issue, chronic lateness, the answer is a little complicated, so I’ll tackle that in my next blog article. Until then, don’t say, “you’re always late” to anyone. Just kidding (kind of)!